"time"

my most recent song.....it's slightly depressing, but i'm not depressed!
it's just about a typical girl in love, surviving a breakup
and learning, by the end of the song, that she does have to move on.

human satisfaction

I feel like it is an absolute, 100% proven fact that we always want what we can't have.

I've specifically noticed this recently with something that I've had in the past, but I never wanted it as badly as I want it right now. Why is that? It's reeeeally bugging me lately, today specifically.

The only thing I can come up with is that I'm not completely as focused on God as I have been recently. It's really strange, but when I come home it's harder for me than at school. I guess that's because I started Samford with the conscious decision to focus on my spiritual walk more than anything else over the next four years...so I've made a lot of great habits that I didn't have in high school. However, when I come home I sink back into my less efficient schedule of studying / talking with the Big Guy.

It's weird. It's like in the back of my head I always know the answer to the things that hurt my heart the most. It always leads back to finding my utter contentment in Jesus and his never failing love... but I continue to think that I can handle it on my own. Or that I want to. I'm such a control freak. Like it's gross. I want to plan my own life's surprises.... I need patience bad. And faith.

God, help me. I'm such a mess it's ridiculous. But you know that because you made me and you're guiding me through everything. Help me to know you have a plan that is so much greater than I could ever imagine. Because I'm real bad about wanting things to go my way. I'm sorry :(

Always,
Rachel

utter contentment

i am so happy.

God is so good.

i am in love with samford.

and my friends.

my heart gets a little better every day.

i'm becoming comfortable.

:)

life is change

I wrote this two months ago but never posted it.....

The one unchangeable certainty is that nothing is certain or unchangeable.

-John F. Kennedy

Okay time for today's fun fact about rachel: I hate change.

Despite the average 18 year old girl's insecurities, I would definitely consider myself a strong person overall. However, when it comes to change, I'm a weenie. A big baby (as my friend, Jon, would call me.) Through my entire high school career, my life has been very comfortable: an amazing, Christian family who I live with in a beautiful house within 15 minutes of most places I want to go, a wonderful group of friends, a God-fearing boyfriend of four years who doubled as my best friend, a private school with countless accommodations I never failed to take advantage of, and a pretty sweet car named Ralph. Most the people I know like me and respect me, and that's the way I want it. I've worked hard to form a reputation and life for myself here in Chattanooga that I like.

I know I may come across narcissistic in the above description of my life, and I'm sorry because that is the opposite of anything I ever want to be. But, I want to emphasize on how important to me it is to be comfortable.

I've already posted about how much I hate the concept of leaving. I think God has blessed me with a huge capacity for love, and there are few things that disturb me more than watching someone I have grown to care for walk out of my life, possibly forever.

But I've got SO MUCH to look forward to at Samford.

I can't wait.

I'm just going to keep on believing God knows me so much better than I"ll ever know myself. :)

"If you want more Jesus, get uncomfortable."

I want more Jesus.

So let's do this. :)

Always,

Rachel

love stings

Why do we try so hard to please others?

You know when you're in love, and that special person just 100% totally consumes your mind?  You want to be with them all the time, and you're willing to do freakin' crazy things.  Sometimes when we're in love, we try so hard to make that person happy or to assure that he / she has reciprocating feelings that we get all messed up and don't even act like ourselves.  When you're that self conscious, does that mean the love you feel has become unhealthy?  Or that you're just truly in love? 

Just a pointless question in my brain.

The real enlightening thought I wanted to share is related, but much more important.  Another thought derived from a point Chan made in "Crazy Love"...If I were to fall madly in love enough with Jesus that He was all I thought about, all I wanted to be about... my life would be so much more fulfilling and content.  Not only would my psycho actions of love end up helping me and everyone around me, but I'd have no need to reassure myself of God's love over and over again.  He's already made the ultimate sacrifice.  Talk about the greatest love story of all times.  Lately, I've been praying that God will help me to fall madly in love with Him... more in love with HIM, the almighty Ruler of the Universe, than I've ever been with any human person.  It should be easy considering everything He's done for me, but once again I'm ignorant and naive.  Story of my life. :)  

I got to visit a LOT of family over the past week :)

We went to a family reunion in Kinston, Alabama...ever heard of it? Me neither, until last week.  Hahah it was so great I had never met anyone there except my immediate family.    Then I got to visit my favorite cousins in Huntsville and see their production of "The King and I" which was rockin.  Now I'm back at home to finish up my college gathering...only 15 days until I move in :)   I am so excited to get there and start my new life at Samford.  My roomate, Emma, seems amazing...no that doesn't even cover it.  I can definitely see a beautiful friendship in the making.

Time for bed...this has been the longest, most draining seven days of my life.

Mostly good, just long.

I think it may be about time for me to start sharing this site with others...hmmm

Always,

Rachel

idols

The biggest regret I ever have is letting someone become more important to me than my family, my morals, and most importantly the Big Man himself.  I guess this also goes for any definable thing, not necessarily a person.  There was a song we sang at camp this summer that I had never heard before... when I heard a certain line, it literally took the breath from me.  It totally described exactly what I was craving in my spiritual life.

Draw me close to You.

Never let me go.

I'll lay it all down again.

To hear you say that I'm Your friend.

You are my desire.

No one else will do.

'Cause no one else could take Your place.

I feel the warmth of Your embrace.

Help me find the way.

Lead me back to You. 

You're all I want.

You're all I've ever needed.

You're all I want.

Help me know You are near.

This is the stanza that struck me:

"You are my desire.  No one else will do.  'Cause no one else could take your place.  I feel the warmth of your embrace."

Today I saw where I had written the lyrics on the back of my guitar, and I was inspired all over again.  I don't want to ever let someone become more important to me than God!

I got to visit with two of my best friends who live in North Carolina the past few days.  Those two guys have been true joys in my life, and I love them.  The three of us always have a great time.  :)

 Always,

Rachel

leaving

I hate the concept of leaving.  :(   I don't like when people leave, and I don't like leaving people!  One of my best friends is about to go all the way across the country to pursue his passion, and I am so happy for him.  But it makes me sad... I'll miss him so much.

Leaving Vesper Point (twice, oddly enough) was like reaching a state of pure contentment, peace, and self confidence and then leaving all of that behind.  It's so hard to keep up that state in the real world.  But I guess everyone has to come off of that mountain for a while or else we wouldn't be able to tell others about it and help them with their climb.

Watching all of my friends who boarded at McCallie leave after graduation was easily the hardest thing I've ever done.  They don't live here and most of them, other than friends and visiting their Alma Mater, don't have any reason to come back.  It's so easy to say, "Oh yeah! We'll keep in touch.  No big deal."  But actually doing it?  That's hard.  One of my dearest friends, who boarded all four years of high school, came and stayed with me last night and I realized then that I'd only spoken to him once since he left over two months ago.

It's hard to understand how God's plan could be bigger and better as I watch people who mean so much to me walk out of my life (possibly forever)...but I have to keep reminding myself that He knows how to run my life so much better than I do.  I mean seriously...there's like five million bajillion different types of trees in the world that all have trillions of leaves and in order to live properly they, like all plants, defy gravity by drawing water UP from the ground.  Not to mention how every muscle and vein in my body works and it all comes together to make ME.  Sometimes I get weirded out thinking about the fact that I'm a person.  I know that sounds weird, but I really do.  I'll just sit here and think...whoa I'm real.  I'm me.  I'm Rachel Cobble, and I exist.  Anyway, Do I seriously think that I can run my life better than the God who made everything on this whole planet work?  Really, my ignorance kills me.  Let's be honest...I'm an idiot.

:) God, help me learn.  I'm so naive.

Always, 

Rachel